Halloween is here and that means lots of great spooky fun for young and old alike. The tradition of Halloween dates back to the early 12th century, when packs of feral children roamed the land demanding candy and treats from anyone they found.

If treats were not immediately handed over the unfortunate victim would be quickly covered in toilet paper, a trick that was nearly always fatal in the days before modern medicine. In some cultures a Snickers bar is still viewed as a talisman for warding off evil.


Here are five tips to make sure you have a happy and safe Halloween.

 

1. Don’t be the one who gives out toothbrushes and floss.
Seriously, nobody wants a toothbrush and floss for Halloween. You think you’re being conscientious, but you’re really just being a smug little dork, you know? Kids want candy, not your oral hygiene lesson, and really, if you want to find out how much parents appreciate your thoughtful gesture, head on down to the Wal Mart this weekend and walk around cheerfully telling people that you think their children ought to brush their teeth. You’re not going to make a lot of new friends.

2. No Blackface
Really, this one is a no-brainer, which explains why there’s so many people with no brains sitting in the HR office after Halloween trying to explain the facebook and twitter pics of their ill-conceived LeBron James costume.
Look, no matter how much of a great idea you thought it was, fact is you won’t look like LeBron no matter how hard you try, and the people laughing at you and taking your picture to show their friends is the whole reason you’re sitting in HR getting ready to be fired.
To help you not make an idiot of yourself and lose your job, The United Nations has released the official list of approved facial makeup colors that may be used this Halloween, and they are as follows:

• Cold Ocean Grey

That is all.

3. Recycle old sports gear for a cool costume!
OK, this one is mostly for Redskins fans, who by October are usually kicking themselves for spending 200 bucks on another bust’s jersey. So be creative! This year, use those soon-to-be- dust rag Brian Orakpo #98 jerseys and go as The Invisible Man.
Imagine how scared your friends will be when it looks like you failed to show up for the party, but in truth you’ve been there the whole time, INVISIBLE!
IMPORTANT NOTE:  If your friends are Quarterbacks, the chances they are scared is reduced considerably. Quarterbacks have no reason to fear Brian Orakpo and will view your costume happily, since they know with you around they’ll likely score at the party. A lot.

4. Candy Corn.. get rid of it.
OK, this one really should be pretty obvious to everyone, but somehow every single year there’s somebody who takes the time to get little treat bags and fill them individually with what they consider sweet and yummy things, and invariably, they will add candy corn. These little bits of vanilla flavored plastic sure are colorful, but really, they’re better left on the factory floor to be swept up as industrial chaff rather than packed in bags and sold as candy.
Remember that time back in 2004 when you ran out of candy because you thought you had accidentally left a bag of candy corn at the store after you’d paid for it? Well, you didn’t leave it at the store, it fell out of the grocery sack while you were driving home, and it fell down into the spare tire well. It’s still there, and it’s STILL good. Even bugs won’t eat it.

I always figured anyone who gave out candy corn was really just telling me to get the heck off their porch and never come back.  Frankly, you’d be better off giving out a toothbrush or some floss.


5. If you go out to a party or a bar, don’t be that idiot who drives drunk afterward. Seriously, just don’t. Get a designated driver, call a cab, catch a ride home, or stay with a friend. Just don’t drive. Because you know, other than the major hassle you will get if the police catch you and we publish your picture here on the Baynet, you just might cause an accident that can really wreck somebody else’s life. So just don’t do it.

Have a happy and safe Halloween, everybody.